There I was getting all worked up about “when will it happen”. Filled with so much expectation, that I was becoming worrisome and definitely trouble to myself. As I began nagging and was totally off the mood.
But then, thankfully He didn’t give up on me and saw past my cranky self and kept reminding me that He wasn’t seeing me the way I was seeing myself at that time. Because I started painting myself in dark pictures literally. 🙈 I was just getting down and sunken – down and sunken (it was like a vicious cycle that seemed as though it wasn’t going to end😕). It went on for a while and He kept on calling out “Mercy, I know you feel……” But “why don’t you see it this way” “You still have a large heart” because really I had begun seeing the worst of myself at that peak point. I hated the feeling but I felt helpless but thankfully He came to my rescue.
So the dialogue continued as He kept on ringing into my ears “you are not what you are seeing yourself as…..”. But there I was, as stubborn to myself as a mule, just couldn’t place it or see it the way He saw it. 🙈 Because I was like “God, someone who you claim to have a large heart can’t be thinking this way”. 🙄
After a while, I got up to get my food and there I sat, feeling so lost on appetite for any intake. I was hungry, but there I was just not in for any food intake. My phone rang but I was just not in the mood, I had a serious battle going on within me as I kept on seeing the LESS of myself instead of the MORE He really wanted me to see.
I later left the room to pick up the laptop for mum and play a movie on it for her since she asked earlier for me to assist with the DVD but it wasn’t working well so I just replied and left earlier on. But hey, He won’t allow me rest, so I had to get out of the room and pick her laptop and assist with playing her a video via it. Deep within me, I kept saying “God you know how I feel right now – I just want to go into my room and just be there”. But then He replied to me “the first step to being better is to practice or do it even when you don’t feel like it”. And He reminded me of a prayer point I was led to pray, earlier on while we were at the church – “God reveals ourselves to us”. 💭
I got up from the squatting position I assumed in the process and returned to my room when I was done with selecting a movie for her and playing it. She called out few minutes after I left, that I should come out and watch it too. The me that wanted to just be in my room and forget my worries over a movie maybe, replied “I am okay” in my mother tongue.
And I sat there with the food and powered on my laptop only to be nudged again, He was really on my case “Mercy go and watch that movie”. I was like “I am not going, I want to watch mine in my room”. 🙄
But He kept ringing it in my ears and I had to concede – I switched off the laptop and got up and literarily all through doing this; He was on my case and stating “do this first; good; just get up”… 😂
So I carried my plate, drink, and water and left for the sitting room and stayed there. Still getting into the aura and wondering why I had to come and watch out here rather than in my room. 😌 Thankfully, I, later on, got into the movie-watching mode. It was one of Mount Zion’s movie “Moments of the secret” and it ended up being the boost I needed. The center focus that resonated me was:
“They who sow in tears shall reap with joyful singing. He who goes back and forth weeping, carrying his bag of seed [for planting], Will indeed come again with a shout of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.”
PSALMS 126:5-6 (AMP)
I had to say my prayer, asking for forgiveness; having complained much about how I don’t have this and that and why should I be doing this and that and all even though I had no money on me. And everything seemed to be on low key at the moment. 😔
But He knew better and a while into the movie they sang:
“It is well, with my soul.
It is well
It is well
With my soul” 🎶🎶
And I gave it up and said: “God I trust you and I am sorry I complained”. He reminded me that He wasn’t angry with me but He needed me to see past everything; etc. 👀
So yes dear reader, it is well with my soul, it is well with your soul as well. God never fails. Seasons could seem as though it will not end but it does on the long run. God never fails!.
You and I might have sowed in tears and it feels like there is no result etc. But in it all, let’s not forget that:
“When the Lord brought back the captives to Zion (Jerusalem), We were like those who dream [it seemed so unreal].”
PSALMS 126:1 (AMP)
It will not only surprise our enemies but it will surprise us as well. Because God is grand and He does likewise. He is filled with graceful grandeur and He is excellent – Superb!. Great indeed is His works in our lives and the entire universe put together. Great is my God; our God!. 🙇
It is well with our soul!. 🙌
God hasn’t forgotten His promise to you and I just yet, He doesn’t and will never forget them!. He shall surely bring them ALL to pass.
I am sorry for my ingratitude and I am grateful for all you do for me Abba. Thank you!. 🙌🙇
Do have a peaceful new week. ❤